What is happiness? I’m sure there are some who have a ready answer for that. Some who claim to be, and may even actually BE, happy. I applaud these people, deluded or not. But I am not sure I have found the answer to the happiness question. I am not an UNHAPPY person. A smile from my son, a good chat with a friend, a great political debate, and foodfoodfood are some of the things that make me happy. I am aware of, and thankful for, the good days I have. I know the bad ones will pass. But for as long as I can remember there has been an underlying restlessness to my life. A feeling that keeps me just off-balance enough to never achieve 100% happiness. And I think that may just be the way I am designed.
I rarely live in the moment. I wish I could. But my mind is always racing ahead. To what’s for dinner, to the errands I have to do tomorrow, to 5 years from now when my son is in school and I am back at work full time. My mind never rests. This makes happiness rather unattainable. I question my actions in the past– years, months, days, weeks, or hours ago. I question if I took my son outside to play long enough that day. I question if I did enough work to make my boss happy. I question if I gave enough attention to my friends. And then I question if I have taken enough time for myself. It’s a never-ending cycle. Maybe I am not even seeking true happiness but true contentment. True relaxation. True peace.
I see people who seem to secure in themselves and where they are at in life. Often I do not even envy the life they have but rather their comfort in it. I picture myself in my dream life and feel that even that fulfillment would fail to quell the person that paces constantly in my mind. The person inside that never rests. Even as I blog now I know I should be working. There are a couple people I am dying to chat with. And I am also aware that the quiet moments which I steal to type this will end all too soon at the whim of my son’s nap. I am not even in the moment as I carefully craft these words.
Sometimes it is simply too tiring to be me. I jump from thought to thought and from want to want. There are a million things I WANT or NEED to do but I know as I do them I will be moving on to the next frantic thought pattern, the next frenzy of action. I picture stealing away for a spa day. Every women’s dream, right? It would be nice. But I feel perpetually out of place at a spa with all the quiet and Zen relaxation. I picture sneaking away to see a movie. But I know that I will sit there and think of all the other things I could be doing. I am too wound up to even enjoy getting my nails done. I sit and wish they would hurry up.
I am destined to walk this earth forever restless. And, in that restlessness, never quite achieve happiness. I have a good life. It could be worse. I just wish my mind could quiet once in awhile and I could honestly enjoy exactly where I am at for one delectable moment of peace.
You’re a restless soul. There are people who are known for that. Doesn’t mean you are forever restless. You haven’t found that one thing that will domino effect and lead to that “Happiness”. Cliche, I know, but happiness is a state of mind. Not to mention relative.